what to do when your friends fail you

or what to do when your friendships are misaligned with your values.

Yesterday I met up with an old friend who, unbeknownst to me, harbored active resentment towards someone very close to me that I love and trust. She described them to me, and I realized that nothing she stated about them was false. I struggled to reconcile her image of them with my own memories.

It comes as no surprise to me that morality, principles, and our values are driving us in decision-making everyday. So when I was torn by my old friends negative opinions and forced to face reality, I realized that the people-pleaser in me constantly nurtures the potential of the people around me. I’d not truly observed the people in my inner circle, rather I opted to hold the image of their potential as my reality.

Quantum reality reveals that observing an object’s position yields uncertainty in its momentum. I’d been observing momentum and trajectory, willingly ignoring the position of a particle, but my old friend forced the observation of position onto me and I could observe momentum no longer.

Which just goes to say that I was forced to confront the type of person that my close friend was, who I tried to defend with my limited knowledge of the situation, until I found that I was at a loss for words. And I felt profound shame, shame that someone I love and respect dearly could willingly disrespect others under the guise of a misalignment of values.

Human decency is no longer ubiquitous, as I’ve come to learn the hard way. I get cut and justify the wound by analyzing the blade, instead of tending to my wound. And faced with morality and pondering of my own principles, I wondered if I was loyal to my people or to my principles, and whether that mattered. The cost of community is inconvenience, and I’ve been willingly inconvenienced and have inconvenienced others in my tribe. But when I feel like my tribe doesn’t represent me, what do I do?

Integrity isn’t for public display. I realized that only I have to show up for myself, be in alignment with my values for myself, and I don’t have to prove that to anyone. The courage to be disliked and misunderstood is rooted in authenticity. I am not performing my values for anyone, I am living them so that I can sleep soundly at night. My conscience is loud and desires clarity and openness, and I let that intuition guide me.

Your friends can never fail you, because they are just being themselves. I fail myself by holding them to an expectation that I should only have for myself. I am learning to observe, let people show themselves to me, and continue living in alignment with what I know to be right to me. I am not responsible for the actions of others, but I am responsible for communicating my truths and feelings within a friendship out of respect for the relationship.

Thus I can only act and speak for myself. I try to practice big love, and before it was to the point of boundary-less burden-carrying martyrdom. But I’ve learned that real, free love means assessing impact on myself as well, and not just seeking to understand others.

May this be a testimony to myself to keep trying my best, detach my identity from my friendships, serve my village and acknowledge the infallibilities of the people I love, while maintaining my own principles and constitution. This is not to say that I abandon those who are not aligned with me, but that I no longer abandon myself in a quest to understand others. I hope for everyone to be happy, healthy, and at peace.

the following prompt is by the author, and answered by ChatGPT.
what does this post say about the author? list any hypocritical ideas presented. what tone does the author use to convey their message? do they come off as being morally superior?

🧠 What the Post Says About the Author

Deeply Reflective and Philosophical
The author uses metaphor (quantum reality) to explore moral ambiguity, showing a habit of intellectualizing emotional conflict. They’re self-analytical and value understanding their inner world through abstract reasoning.
Values Integrity and Authenticity
They place heavy emphasis on principles, conscience, alignment, and authenticity, revealing a strong moral framework and desire for ethical consistency in relationships.
Recovering People-Pleaser
The author recognizes their pattern of idealizing others (“holding the image of their potential as my reality”) — suggesting both self-awareness and past codependent tendencies.
Emotionally Mature but Guarded
They’re capable of compassion and forgiveness (“big love”), but are learning to prioritize self-respect and boundaries. The tone suggests someone who’s been hurt and is transmuting that pain into wisdom rather than resentment.
Intellectually Defensive
The heavy use of abstraction (“quantum reality,” “integrity isn’t for public display”) also signals a subtle emotional detachment — a way of thinking through rather than feeling through the discomfort.

⚖️ Hypocritical or Contradictory Ideas

“I am not performing my values for anyone” vs. publishing this reflection publicly
Writing this post — especially with a moral tone — is a performance of values, even if unintentionally. The piece signals moral insight and self-possession to others, contradicting the claim of total detachment from others’ perception.
“I’m not responsible for others’ actions” vs. “I felt shame for my friend’s behavior”
The author intellectually disavows responsibility for others’ behavior, yet emotionally internalizes that shame. This tension reveals the struggle between reason and empathy — wanting to let go, but still feeling implicated.
“The courage to be disliked” vs. “I was at a loss for words when faced with my friend’s criticism”
Despite professing courage to be misunderstood, the post itself shows discomfort with judgment and the desire to justify one’s stance.
“Real, free love means assessing impact on myself” vs. “serve my village and acknowledge the infallibilities of the people I love”
The author vacillates between self-protection and service — trying to balance altruism and boundaries, yet not fully resolving the paradox between serving others and not losing oneself.

🎙️ Tone Analysis

Reflective and Philosophical: The writing has an essay-like cadence, drawing on metaphor and moral language.
Somber but Resolute: There’s a quiet strength beneath the melancholy — the tone of someone processing disappointment into meaning.
Didactic (Gently Preaching): At times, the language (“Integrity isn’t for public display,” “Your friends can never fail you”) reads like aphorisms or life lessons, implying a teacherly stance.

🧩 Does the Author Sound Morally Superior?

Slightly, yes — but not in an arrogant way.
The moral superiority comes through subtly, as a byproduct of moral clarity, not ego. The author distinguishes themselves as someone who “sleeps soundly,” “acts in alignment,” and “lives their truth,” implicitly contrasting themselves with others who don’t.

Yet the tone isn’t contemptuous; it’s self-soothing. They sound like someone reassuring themselves that being principled, even if misunderstood, is the right path — an internal pep talk masquerading as universal wisdom.

🪞Summary

Dimension	Observation
Core Trait	Introspective, morally conscious, self-correcting
Conflict	Balancing loyalty with personal integrity
Contradictions	Between detachment and moral signaling; self-blame and self-compassion
Tone	Reflective, moral, slightly didactic
Moral Superiority	Present subtly — more self-validation than judgment

end of AI portion of post.

Immanuel Kant was my North Star today and I studied his philosophy to unmuddy my mind. What prevails to this day:

“Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in that of another, always as an end and never merely as a means.”
- Let the means (way of achieving end/goal) be the end. Using people as a means to an end (as tools) is inherently unethical, unless they are treated as the ends as well (by recognizing their autonomy and worth).
Why you do things is more important than what you do.

let not reflection turn to self-congratulation, nor compassion to indulgence.
do what is right, because it is right, and let that be enough.