When I was younger (around ages 7-12) I would obsess over family TV shows, wishing I was a part of that chaotic and warm environment. Before going to bed I would think intensely about the show and hope that as I fell asleep I could dream myself into that universe, into a part of that family. The maternal figures were usually my favorite and I would watch and rewatch every episode, every blooper, and every extra scene of 歡喜來逗陣 and 魔女18號 to the point where I could anticipate incoming dialogue.

My ongoing fantasies didn’t stop on the screen, however, and I latched onto teachers and friend’s parents and relatives who I wished would adopt me. I idealized them and built a relationship with them that was only real in my mind (I remember working up the courage to ask a teacher to peel an orange for me when I was in middle school. She peeled it and it absolutely made my entire day, and I felt so cared for).

And I wish it stopped there, but it didn’t. This emotional intensity bled into my romantic relationships, where I’d idealize my partners and assign overwhelming meaning to small instances. A disagreement felt like the end of the world; I needed constant reassurance to feel safe. The highs and lows were addictive and my mental state felt severely unregulated and dependent on that of my partner.

It took research into attachment trauma to realize that I wasn’t alone in feeling this sort of emotional obsession and what psychologists call ‘limerence.’

Limerence is defined as the obsessive attachment to a person in which there is an overwhelming longing for another person’s attention. In limerence, intense feelings can persist for years, become addictive, and develop into obsessive rumination that is motivated by both doubt and hope.

Bradbury et al. Limerence, Hidden Obsession, Fixation, and Rumination: A Scoping Review of Human Behaviour, 2024.

Those who experience limerence tend to have emotionally unstable childhoods where love felt conditional. Effects of limerence include: symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, attachment anxiety, self-harm, and the breakdown of existing relationships.

Oxytocin, often referred to as the brain’s “love hormone,” is a driver of limerence, as it can increase attachments and feelings of “love” toward a person who is unreciprocal. However, oxytocin generated in a safe place (e.g. known friendships/environments) can eventually disarm limerence, as the body can gain knowledge of secure attachment and “grow out of” limerent desire. A recent UC Berkeley study proves that oxytocin is essential in forming friendships, thus can be coined the “friendship hormone” instead of the “love hormone.” It is not only released when in close physical proximity of someone (via cuddling, physical affection, etc), it also gets released when performing emotional repair and sharing emotional intimacy. This suggests that healthy conflict resolution in any relationship can increase oxytocin levels, regardless of physical proximity between individuals.

A 2016 study by Johnson and Dunbar demonstrated that people with more close friends were able to tolerate more pain. This finding, coupled with the fact that oxytocin regulates the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis (responsible for stress response), suggests that friendship is fundamental for human emotional regulation and stress capacity. A limerent individual can potentially increase oxytocin through safe, supportive friendships instead of through their object of limerence, and change the way attachment and desire are experienced.

As of today (Jan 30, 2026), there is no research that explicitly examines the relationship between friendship and limerence. But lived experience often precedes literature. What I know is this: as my friendships deepened through conflict, repair, and emotional presence, the urgency of limerence softened. Desire became less frantic, and attachment felt less like survival. Friendship taught my body what love could feel like without fear.